The following is a collection of my border experiences over the last 33 years – I invite you to sit in the shotgun/jump seat as we travel the world (mostly the USA)!
Date: February 1982
Trip:
A round trip University of Saskatchewan, Ski Trip, to Jackson Hole, Wyoming; total distance traveled: 3,148 Kilometers.
The trip was the creation of me, and my good friend, Bernard Hrapchak, sadly, Bernie has recently passed. I went mountain skiing for the first time the previous year, and decided to form my own University Ski Club. We raised funds. We managed to convince 36 people to join us on this epic trip during spring break.
The trip was the creation of me, and my good friend, Bernard Hrapchak, sadly, Bernie has recently passed. I went mountain skiing for the first time the previous year, and decided to form my own University Ski Club. We raised funds. We managed to convince 36 people to join us on this epic trip during spring break.
Vehicles:
Two 15-passenger vans + 1 6-passenger van
The trip began early Friday, February 12. We were only 15 kilometers out of Saskatoon and 30 people were already intoxicated – only those assigned to drive, weren’t. The majority of these 30 remained intoxicated for the duration of the trip.
Our first fuel stop was in Regina. The trailing 15-passenger van needed $2.53 less in petrol to which Bernie claimed was because:
“I did an excellent job drafting behind the lead Van!”
Bless his soul!
Just before we hit the border, we were being pulled over. That is when maturity kicked in. As the flashing lights were gaining, the not-so-sober passengers began to litter the highway with empties. The officer didn’t enjoy the bouncing cans.
He let us off dumb.
The trip itself was amazing. Jackson Hole is friggen brilliant.
Good fun was had by all with one exception:
Our first fuel stop was in Regina. The trailing 15-passenger van needed $2.53 less in petrol to which Bernie claimed was because:
“I did an excellent job drafting behind the lead Van!”
Bless his soul!
Just before we hit the border, we were being pulled over. That is when maturity kicked in. As the flashing lights were gaining, the not-so-sober passengers began to litter the highway with empties. The officer didn’t enjoy the bouncing cans.
He let us off dumb.
The trip itself was amazing. Jackson Hole is friggen brilliant.
Good fun was had by all with one exception:
Night 2 in Grand Teton Village, Jackson Hole, Wyoming, a snowball fight of grandiose proportions broke out. Chris R was the lone casualty. He fell from the second floor railing. His skull fractured. He was airlifted to Salt Lake City, Utah, where he spent the entire trip, plus several additional weeks bedridden.
Fortunately, we made additional insurance, a mandatory part of the trip.
Oh yeah, other lowlights would include:
“Has anyone seen my budgie?”
Fortunately, we made additional insurance, a mandatory part of the trip.
Oh yeah, other lowlights would include:
- Van 1's transmission gave up the ghost during the climb into Jackson.
- On the return trip, Van 2 required new tires.
- And, just before the border, the storage door on top of Van 1 broke off, flew through the air – almost taking out the drafting Van 2.
“Has anyone seen my budgie?”
The Border Crossing: Scobey Border Crossing – Saskatchewan
By the time we made the border the vans had become decorated in wonderfully tasteful drawings.
Boobs with the caption: MY MOM
A large penis drawing with a stream shooting in the direction of... with the caption: HEAT SEEKING
Graduation wasn’t a given, for some of the revelers.
30 impaired people poured themselves out of the vans at the border and entered the customs area. Mark stayed behind with an agent helping him to empty partially filled cans of various liquids. By help, I mean: drank.
When it came to Mark’s turn at the customs counter the agent asked him:
“Where’s your bag?”
To which Mark replied:
“I left her at home.”
The agents were happy to see us leave.
Boobs with the caption: MY MOM
A large penis drawing with a stream shooting in the direction of... with the caption: HEAT SEEKING
Graduation wasn’t a given, for some of the revelers.
30 impaired people poured themselves out of the vans at the border and entered the customs area. Mark stayed behind with an agent helping him to empty partially filled cans of various liquids. By help, I mean: drank.
When it came to Mark’s turn at the customs counter the agent asked him:
“Where’s your bag?”
To which Mark replied:
“I left her at home.”
The agents were happy to see us leave.
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Date: July 1990
Trip:
Vancouver, to Negril, Jamaica, to make an offer to purchase a hotel – a dream hatched only two months prior.
Vehicles:
Wes R + Greg (Shorty 4' 11")
This trip is fully chronicled in my meta-memoir:
Thus, SHAMELESS PLUG: You may purchase a copy to read the riveting story upon it's release.
Sign up below (SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE) for updates on the release date.
Bring friends!
Short form:
Sign up below (SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE) for updates on the release date.
Bring friends!
Short form:
- Our offer was accepted.
- I rode a motorcycle for the first time.
I did a 50-yard-slide on my side with the motorcycle between my legs. I was only wearing flip-flops, shorts; and a ball cap.
It hurt.
Again, read the story in my memoir.
It hurt.
Again, read the story in my memoir.
Crossing: Sangster International Airport – Montego Bay, Jamaica
Wes R is an experiences traveler. He’s been to over 20 countries.
Customs in the Sangster Airport consisted of a series of tables.
It was Wes’s turn to approach the sitting customs agent.
“Passport please,” stated in a heavy Jamaican accent.
“I forgot to bring it.”
“May I see your picture ID, please?”
“I forgot to bring it. I do have my expired library card on me.”
“Irie, welcome to Jamaica, have a great time.”
Customs in the Sangster Airport consisted of a series of tables.
It was Wes’s turn to approach the sitting customs agent.
“Passport please,” stated in a heavy Jamaican accent.
“I forgot to bring it.”
“May I see your picture ID, please?”
“I forgot to bring it. I do have my expired library card on me.”
“Irie, welcome to Jamaica, have a great time.”
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Date: November 1990
Trip:
Vancouver to Panama City, Panama to make a presentation to secure funding for the hotel we purchased in Negril, Jamaica.
Bill L (Consultant)
Vehicles:
This trip is also fully chronicled in my meta-memoir:
Thus, the same SHAMELESS PLUG: You may purchase a copy to read the riveting story upon it's release.
Sign up below (SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE) for updates on the release date.
Bring friends!
Short form:
Sign up below (SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE) for updates on the release date.
Bring friends!
Short form:
- There was an attempted military coup taking place that had something to do with someone named Noriega.
- My presentation rocked, our funding was secured.
Crossing: Tocumen International – Panama City, Panama
Bill and I were the first off of the plane. It was 11 PM. We walked through the airport stepping out into the smothering humidity of Panama. We looked at each other. We went back into the airport. We knocked on the Customs Office waking up the agents.
We let them know we’ve arrived.
“Welcome to Panama, enjoy your stay!”
There was a coup going on.
We let them know we’ve arrived.
“Welcome to Panama, enjoy your stay!”
There was a coup going on.
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Date: September 6, 2001
Trip:
A quick jaunt across the border into Washington State to grab lunch.
SOLO
Vehicle:
Crossing: Peace Arch – Blaine Washington – USA Side
“ID, please – citizenship?”
“Canadian”
“Where do you live?”
“Vancouver”
“What’s the reason for the trip?”
“Lunch”
“How long do you intend to stay?”
“A couple of hours”
“Please pop the trunk.”
Trunk Contents:
“What’s the kicking tee for?”
“Didn’t you just answer the question?”
“You don’t have to be a smart ass.”
“You do understand: There is no way to answer your question without sounding like a smart ass, don’t you?”
“Welcome to America.”
“Canadian”
“Where do you live?”
“Vancouver”
“What’s the reason for the trip?”
“Lunch”
“How long do you intend to stay?”
“A couple of hours”
“Please pop the trunk.”
Trunk Contents:
- Tennis racquet
- Tennis balls
- A football kicking tee
- A spare tire
“What’s the kicking tee for?”
“Didn’t you just answer the question?”
“You don’t have to be a smart ass.”
“You do understand: There is no way to answer your question without sounding like a smart ass, don’t you?”
“Welcome to America.”
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Date: October 2003
Trip:
A 31 day European vacation in an effort to save my life and sanity, including stops in: Montreal and New York City.
Dave S
Vehicle:
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This trip is also fully chronicled in my meta-memoir:
See previous border crossings to subscribe. May I ask you a question?
“You just did.”
Okay, one more question: Why have you yet to subscribe?
Anyway, this trip was full of fascinating highlights and lowlights. I am confident you will enjoy when you travel with Dave and I, through the pages of the book.
“You just did.”
Okay, one more question: Why have you yet to subscribe?
Anyway, this trip was full of fascinating highlights and lowlights. I am confident you will enjoy when you travel with Dave and I, through the pages of the book.
Crossing: Blackpool – New York State
Quick Snips:
- We were on a Greyhound Bus.
- We hadn’t slept in over 24 hours.
- We were zooming.
- There was an old lady on the bus reciting her life story in a nasally tone.
- There were French kids rapping.
- We hadn’t slept in over 24 hours.
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Date: July 17 2012
Trip:
Day trip to Bellingham Washington, to meet with my book editor for:
SOLO
Vehicle:
- I decided to eat some USA fast food; Jack-In-The-Box.
- I visited Bellis Fair Mall – a mall I visited the first time with Wes R in 1989.
- I hate malls – my mood began to shift – Jack-In-The-Box was also shifting.
- There was a train being driven around the mall (not on tracks) by I’m guessing: a 15-year-old girl.
- She looked bored to the point where I worried for her well-being.
- In the trains last car sat a man with what I was guessing: his 6 to 8 year old son.
- They were both fat.
- They both looked suicidal.
- I decided: I wanted to go home.
Crossing: Peace Arch – Blaine Washington – Canadian Side
“Passport, please, citizenship; and where do you live? What was the reason for your trip? How long were you gone?”
“I’m Canadian. I live in Vancouver. I was gone for only a few hours. I’m on holidays.”
“Why did you only go for a few hours?”
At this time I must interject: I’m white. Fit. Casually attired, wearing shorts, a tank top; and flip flops.
The interrogation commenced.
“Who did you see?”
“Nobody”
“Who did you see?” – asked 7 more times.
“Nobody,” replied 6 times.
On the seventh:
“I don’t understand the question – can you ask me something else?”
“Who did you see?”
“I saw the counter guy at the fast food restaurant.”
“What did you buy?” – asked 10 times.
“Six beers, that’s all.” – answered 9 times.
Answer 10:
“What’s wrong with you?”
“What did you buy?”
“I forgot, a can of coke, but I drank it.”
“What’s in the trunk?”
“A gym bag, containing: a pair of shorts, a shirt; and a pair of shoes.”
“Pop the trunk.”
“Who did you see?”
I never responded.
"Pull over there and report your purchases."
When I came out of paying the duty on 6 beers, two female border agents had searched my near empty car.
“Just so you know that was the worst border experience I’ve had.”
“Sir, we’re protecting you.”
“From..?”
“The bad people...”
“I’m not a bad person. I’m driving a Matrix.”
“The bad people aren’t all tatted up anymore. They look like you, and soccer moms.”
“Wow...”
“And besides, everyone lies at the border.”
“I didn’t.”
“Everyone lies...”
“I didn’t.”
“We’re keeping the bad people out.”
“No offence, the bad people are already here.”
I don’t think they understood what I meant.
“I’m Canadian. I live in Vancouver. I was gone for only a few hours. I’m on holidays.”
“Why did you only go for a few hours?”
At this time I must interject: I’m white. Fit. Casually attired, wearing shorts, a tank top; and flip flops.
The interrogation commenced.
“Who did you see?”
“Nobody”
“Who did you see?” – asked 7 more times.
“Nobody,” replied 6 times.
On the seventh:
“I don’t understand the question – can you ask me something else?”
“Who did you see?”
“I saw the counter guy at the fast food restaurant.”
“What did you buy?” – asked 10 times.
“Six beers, that’s all.” – answered 9 times.
Answer 10:
“What’s wrong with you?”
“What did you buy?”
“I forgot, a can of coke, but I drank it.”
“What’s in the trunk?”
“A gym bag, containing: a pair of shorts, a shirt; and a pair of shoes.”
“Pop the trunk.”
“Who did you see?”
I never responded.
"Pull over there and report your purchases."
When I came out of paying the duty on 6 beers, two female border agents had searched my near empty car.
“Just so you know that was the worst border experience I’ve had.”
“Sir, we’re protecting you.”
“From..?”
“The bad people...”
“I’m not a bad person. I’m driving a Matrix.”
“The bad people aren’t all tatted up anymore. They look like you, and soccer moms.”
“Wow...”
“And besides, everyone lies at the border.”
“I didn’t.”
“Everyone lies...”
“I didn’t.”
“We’re keeping the bad people out.”
“No offence, the bad people are already here.”
I don’t think they understood what I meant.
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Date: March 2014
Trip:
To Munich Germany to be Best Man for the 7th time + Sitges Spain + Barcelona + Brussells Belgium
Jeong Wan Lee
Vehicles:
Crossing: Munich International Airport – Munich Germany
Jay is first to the customs counter.
“Who are you travelling with?”
I’m waved to the counter.
“What’s the reason for your trip?"
After we answered the agent smiled and said welcome to Germany. Enjoy your time in Europe.
We passed through a gate.
“Jay, I’m pretty certain we have to go through another customs checkpoint.”
I turned to my left. My friend Greg was walking toward us.
“Lindsay, Jay, it’s good to see you! Did you bring the kicking tee?”
“Who are you travelling with?”
I’m waved to the counter.
“What’s the reason for your trip?"
After we answered the agent smiled and said welcome to Germany. Enjoy your time in Europe.
We passed through a gate.
“Jay, I’m pretty certain we have to go through another customs checkpoint.”
I turned to my left. My friend Greg was walking toward us.
“Lindsay, Jay, it’s good to see you! Did you bring the kicking tee?”
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Date: September 2014
Trip:
Day trips to Bellingham Washington, to meet with my book editor for:
TRIP DURATION:
9 AM to 2 PM
Distance from Liberia to Blaine
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Distance from Dallas to Blaine
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SOLO
Vehicle:
Crossing: Peace Arch – Blaine Washington – Canadian Side
For the sake of brevity I will skip the standard questions in the remaining Peace Arch Crossings.
“What was the reason for your trip?"
“To see my editor...”
I hadn’t purchased anything.
“What time did you enter the US?”
“9 AM today...”
“How long have you been gone?”
“Look at your watch.”
Sneer
“Did you come in contact with an African or anyone from Texas?”
“No.”
At the time there was an EBOLA outbreak in Africa (see distance above), with one potential case in Dallas (a medical professional that had visited Liberia).
“What was the reason for your trip?"
“To see my editor...”
I hadn’t purchased anything.
“What time did you enter the US?”
“9 AM today...”
“How long have you been gone?”
“Look at your watch.”
Sneer
“Did you come in contact with an African or anyone from Texas?”
“No.”
At the time there was an EBOLA outbreak in Africa (see distance above), with one potential case in Dallas (a medical professional that had visited Liberia).
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Date: October 2014 - March 2015
Trip:
Day trips to Bellingham Washington, to meet with my book editor for:
SOLO
Trip(s) Duration(s):
Usually 4 – 6 hours.
Vehicle:
Crossing: Peace Arch – Blaine Washington – USA Side
Standard Question:
“What’s the reason for your trip?
Standard Answer:
“To see my editor...”
Not so standard responses:
“Don’t you have editors in Canada?”
“What makes you think you can write?”
“The books about your life, what makes you so interesting?”
To which I replied:
“You’ll have to read my book.”
More:
“Why is your editor in Bellingham?”
To which I replied:
“She lives there?
To which he replied:
“I don’t like your tone."
To which I replied:
“Ask better questions.”
And:
During one trip I was the next car in the line. The light turned green. I moved forward. The light turned red. I stopped. A border agent approached me. I rolled down the window.
“What are you fucking doing?”
“The light was green sir. It turned red, so, I stopped.”
“I don’t fucking care what colour the light was, what colour is it now? Are you fucking colour blind?”
“I stopped.”
“You wrecked my fucking day. Wait here. I will wave you forward when I’m ready for you.”
Welcome..?
“What’s the reason for your trip?
Standard Answer:
“To see my editor...”
Not so standard responses:
“Don’t you have editors in Canada?”
“What makes you think you can write?”
“The books about your life, what makes you so interesting?”
To which I replied:
“You’ll have to read my book.”
More:
“Why is your editor in Bellingham?”
To which I replied:
“She lives there?
To which he replied:
“I don’t like your tone."
To which I replied:
“Ask better questions.”
And:
During one trip I was the next car in the line. The light turned green. I moved forward. The light turned red. I stopped. A border agent approached me. I rolled down the window.
“What are you fucking doing?”
“The light was green sir. It turned red, so, I stopped.”
“I don’t fucking care what colour the light was, what colour is it now? Are you fucking colour blind?”
“I stopped.”
“You wrecked my fucking day. Wait here. I will wave you forward when I’m ready for you.”
Welcome..?
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A PEACE ARCH MOMENT OF PONDERING
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If the Americans are fighting hard to keep out the bad people – and Canada is fighting hard to keep out the bad people – and (insert country here) is fighting bad to keep out the bad people – shower – rinse – repeat – and there is still murders, drug abuse, domestic abuse, and all the other horrendous acts that humans are capable of, happening globally – then maybe, just maybe, the stop the bad people approach is not working and we are destined to make it worse until we find a better way.
Maybe, one country, for arguments sake, let’s say: Sri Lanka, should work diligently at keeping out the good people. That way the rest of the world could send the tiny nation all of the bad from around the globe, which in-turn; would greatly change the media template for the: NEWS. “Don’t you have editors in Canada?” 
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